


Lost in a Photograph

by omgdatphantho



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Arguments, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 18:25:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8589049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgdatphantho/pseuds/omgdatphantho
Summary: Photographs are great mementos. They hold the stories and memories of days gone past. Not every story or memory is a happy one though; and no one knows that better than Dan and Phil. One weekend and a photo album is all it takes to change everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: @phangirlingforphan
> 
> Artist: @howellsankles
> 
> A/N: Here it is, my PBB 2016 fic. It has been a long and crazy adventure. I can’t believe it’s finally done. 
> 
> First, I would like to thank @phangirlingforphan. Lily, you’re so amazing. Thank you so much for stepping up in the eleventh hour and getting me to where I needed to be. I have seriously loved working with you. I cannot thank you enough for all your help, support, and encouragement. 
> 
> Secondly, I would like to thank @howellsankles. Navvy, you’re completely amazing. I’m so in love with your art which I tell you all the time it feels like. You’ve been a doll and a peach to work with. I can’t thank you enough for choosing my fic to do art for. 
> 
> Thirdly, I would like to thank @amandapants. Amanda, have I told you how wonderful and amazing you are? I can’t thank you enough for all the love and support that you’ve given me. Even when you didn’t have a clue what was going on, you still pushed me through it. For that, I’m grateful. 
> 
> Finally, I would like to thank all my wonderful lovelies. You guys are the reason I do anything. Without you guys, there wouldn’t be this blog and I wouldn’t be writing like I am. I cannot express my gratitude to you guys enough.

**[Art for this chapter](https://howellsankles.tumblr.com/post/153350670966/soooo-here-are-my-drawings-for-the-amazing-pbb-fic) **

 

Phil wanders around his shared apartment, his eyes sweeping over the items that make up his life with Dan. An uneasy feeling has settled into the pit of his stomach. Things that should bring him joy, such as the Tetris light and their anime collection, make him want to blanch. Phil’s feet slowly carry him down the hallway. He comes to an abrupt stop in front of the hall closet.

He pulls open the door and sighs at the sight in front of him. He’s peering into the disorganized abyss that is their hall closet. Things that they had no clue where to put and boxes they never unpacked have taken over the entire space. Phil knows that there are things in this closet that neither of them have seen since they moved to London all those years ago.

He’s unsure why he’s organizing this disaster now since it’s been sitting here for years and they are clearly in no hurry to sort it. He reasons that it’s just an excuse to put off his video for a while. He woke up on this unassuming Friday morning with an unexplained desire to clean their hall closet. So here he is, pulling items out and setting them along the sides of the hallway. He can hear Dan shuffling around his room. What he’s doing in there, Phil can only imagine.

_“Would it kill him to help me?”_ Phil thinks to himself. _“Yes, it probably would.”_

It’s not like Phil explicitly said anything about cleaning out the closet. He didn’t even ask Dan for help; not that he would help anyway. Dan doesn’t usually interact with him unless he has to. Since this isn’t a video, the radio show, or an event that they have to attend, Phil isn’t expecting any help.

Phil pulls out one of the boxes. It’s brown and cardboard with no writing on it. It hits the floor with a muffled bang. He sits down and starts pulling items out. It’s one of his boxes. There are a few of his high school yearbooks and some random other mementos. Under a stack of papers that he will sort through later, Phil’s fingers grasp something heavy and thick.

He pulls out a photo album; brown and plain. Phil scrunches his face. It looks familiar, but he can’t place it. He opens the cover and lets out a small, audible gasp. The words _Dan and Phil_ are written in large script on the first page.

“Whatcha got there?” a voice behind Phil asks. Phil jumps at the sound. He blinks a few times. The memories of the past melt away from his eyes and he’s left staring at the disastrous closet. A quick glance over his shoulder confirms that Dan is standing behind him with a curious expression.

“It’s our photo album. The one our mums put together for us,” Phil answers as calmly as he can. Dan’s eyes glint with a hint of remembrance. Phil’s bracing himself for a snarky comment from Dan, but he doesn’t deliver.

“I haven’t seen this in forever,” Dan states in cheerfully. Phil lets out a mental sigh of relief. He looks up at Dan and attempts to gage his mood; he seems to be relaxed today. Phil decides to push his luck.

“Do you want to look at it together?” he asks with a whisper of hesitation. Dan stills for a moment. Phil can see the gears turning in his head.

“Sure. Why not?” Dan replies with a tiny smirk and a slight shrug. Phil quietly lets out a breath that he’s been holding. Dan steps away from Phil and makes his way towards the kitchen. Phil picks himself off the floor and shakes out his stiff limbs; trailing slowly behind Dan.

“Do you want something to drink?” Dan asks the moment Phil reaches the kitchen door.

He nods his head in Dan’s direction with skepticism. Dan opens the fridge and produces two bottles of water. He hands one to Phil and doesn’t even blink when their fingers brush against one another. Phil freezes for a moment before he mentally frowns at the contact. He’s not complaining about it; however, Dan usually goes out his way to make sure they don’t touch if they don’t have to. Dan flashes Phil a large smile which Phil attempts to reciprocate. His smile doesn’t end up being as large.

They settle onto the couch with Phil on the left and Dan in his sofa crease on the right. Their thighs lightly rub against the other’s as they get situated. Phil feels his torso stiffen and constrict at the contact, but Dan doesn’t seem to notice. Phil carefully lays the book across both of their laps and opens it up again. Their names scream at them from the first page.

Phil can feel himself start to sweat and he takes a couple of deep breaths in order to calm down. He doesn’t even remember what’s in this album. Will they be happy memories or will it lead to remembering things they would rather forget? Phil flips to the next page. It’s a two-page spread. There’s a baby picture of Phil on the left and Dan’s baby picture on the right; both are around six months old in their respective pictures.

Dan and Phil grew up down the street from each other. Their mums had been friends before either of them had arrived. Phil arrived first in January and Dan followed in June of the same year. They did everything together growing up; as evident by the photos on the following pages. They’re flipping past pictures of the boys playing outside, making messes in the kitchen, and even them in the bath when a picture makes Phil stop.

“Hey look,” Phil says with slight elation. He points to the picture that lays below them. “It’s your fifth birthday.”

The bottom of a large “Happy 5th Birthday” banner can be seen peeking out of the top of the photo. Dan is sat at the end of the table with a cake in front of him. His blonde, curly hair is sticking up all over the place. A plastic crown adorns his head. He’s staring at the cake with a pout on his face. His arms are crossed across his pudgy, little body.

Phil is sat next to Dan on his right side. Half of his blondish-red hair is sticking up at weird angles while the other side stays flat. He’s facing the camera while smiling wide with his eyes shut, one skinny arm slung around Dan’s shoulders, and leaning into the pouting birthday boy. Dan remembers that day very clearly. His eyes wander towards the wall opposite of their couch while he drifts back to that day.

_The sun is shining bright through the window. Dan bounds out of bed, letting his little feet hit the ground with a tiny sound. He races down to the kitchen and dances around his mother. She laughs at the sight of her son singing “It’s my birthday!” over and over again while doing a little shimmy._

_“Yes it is. You better go get ready. Your guests are going to be arriving very soon.” Dan races out of the room and throws on the first thing he finds in his drawer. It’s a plain, red t-shirt and a pair of jean shorts._

_He helps his parents finish setting up the decorations. Before he knows it, the guest are arriving. Soon, the entire back garden is swarming with five children besides Dan. He is trying to spend time with everyone, but it’s hard for him. He would much rather hang with his best friend, Phil, than all of the other people._

_Phil is the friendliest kid in their whole school. He makes friends easily and everyone wants to know him. However, his best friend is Dan and everyone knows it. Phil is running around playing tag when he stops. Dan isn’t among the children anymore. The others haven’t noticed the birthday boy’s absence yet, but Phil has. It’s like a sixth sense for him to notice when Dan is no longer close by._

_He tells everyone to continue without him and sets off to find his best friend. He finds Dan sitting inside at the dining table. His mom is next to him; trying in vain to convince him to join the others. She watches Phil shuffle into the dining room. She lets out an exasperated sigh and rolls her eyes at her stubborn child before she walks away; leaving the boys alone. Phil takes a seat next to him._

_“Whatcha doing?” Phil asks. Dan looks sadly at him._

_“Sitting here.” Dan answers._

_“Why? Come play with us.” Phil pleads._

_“No.” Dan says firmly._

_“Why not?” Phil asks._

_“They like you better. They would rather play with you. I don’t wanna share you.” Dan says quietly. Phil thinks for a moment._

_“You’re my best friend. I wanna play with you. If we have to play with others, then we will.” Phil says before smiling at Dan. Dan still has a slight pout when the other children come flooding into the dining room a moment later. The conversation between the two boys is quickly forgotten as Dan’s mother announces that it’s time for cake._

_“Dan, Phil, say cheese!” Dan’s mother instructs the boys after everyone is sat at the table. Phil smiles wide and throws his arm around Dan. Dan sits pouting in front of his cake. She snaps the picture and a few more of the other kids. Everyone crowds around the table and sings Happy Birthday to Dan._

_“Make a wish.” Dan’s mum instructs him. He thinks really hard for a moment before knowing exactly what to wish for. He wishes for Phil and him to be friends forever before blowing out the candles. Everyone cheers._

“I barely remember that day.” Phil says as he interrupts Dan’s recollection. Dan shakes his head and blinks his vision clear. He turns to face Phil.

“I remember being upset with you.” Dan says flatly. Phil furrows his brow at Dan.

“Why?” Phil questions.

“Everyone liked you better than me. I remember wanting you all to myself.” Phil gives Dan a sad smile. They stare at each other for a beat before darting their attention elsewhere in the room. With a sigh, Phil moves to turns the page.

Dan apparently has the exact same idea. He makes a move to turn the page at the same time as Phil. Their fingers lightly brush against each other.

“Oops.” they say at the same time. They look up into each other’s eyes. Blue meets brown and neither move to glance away at first. A moment later, Dan coughs and skirts his eyes around the room. Phil drops his head slightly and shifts his gaze towards his lap. A tint of pink flushes his cheeks. If Dan sees it, he makes no mention of it.

Once they’ve collected themselves, Dan makes no movement to turn the page. Phil takes over flipping through the album. Pictures of them playing outside and celebrating various holidays fly by. They make various comments about the memories, but the conversation between them is relatively benign. Phil pauses to take a sip of his water.

Dan’s taken over turning the pages now. Phil’s allowing himself to stroll pleasantly down memory lane. Dan’s about to flip the page once again when Phil’s hand flies out to stop him. Dan’s startled at the unexpected contact and sudden action. He shoots Phil a questioning look. Phil takes a moment to stare in horror at his action. He sheepishly draws his hand back into his lap.

“Sorry.” Phil mumbles out. Dan’s face softens slightly.

“It’s fine.” Dan says calmly. “Why did you stop me?”

“I just remember that day. Well not that day specifically, but being that old and the moments around that day.” Phil babbles as he gestures to the picture in front of them. Dan looks down. The picture isn’t anything too special.

Both Dan and Phil are about thirteen-fourteen in the photo. They’re sat beside each other in front of the television. A colourful-looking video game is frozen on the screen.

They’re both smiling wide with controllers in their hands. It looks like just another Saturday afternoon at Phil’s house. They can tell it’s Phil’s house because they both recognize the background. Off-white coloured carpet and cream coloured walls backdrop the space with Phil’s family picture peeks out in the corner of the photograph. White, lace curtains cover the windows. The chair and the couch that are off to the side are the colour blue.

“What’s so important about this picture?” Dan asks. Phil bites his lip nervously. This picture represents things that he never told Dan, and things he never thought he would admit to Dan.

“It’s embarrassing and nothing. We can move on.” Phil offers as he dismisses his earlier outburst. He tries to turn the page, but Dan moves his hand to prevent his fingertips from catching the edge.

“Now hold on one minute. I want to know.” Dan states. His voice holds no malice, but it does have a stern edge. Phil’s eyes flit around the room. An uncomfortable silence settles between them. When he finally allows himself to glance at Dan, he’s staring back with a face full of curiosity.

Dan’s mind is racing as he tries to figure out what Phil’s talking about. He knows everything about Phil doesn’t he? Well, he used to. Lately, Dan’s not sure anymore. Phil drops his head into his chest.

“That’s around the time I realized I had a crush on you.” Phil tells his chest. His voice is so quiet and muffled that Dan catches about every third word.

“I’m sorry. What?” Dan asks. Phil raises his head, but refuses to meet Dan’s gaze. They sit in silence for a tense minute. Dan’s unsure if Phil’s going to respond and Phil’s unsure if he wants to. He knows that Dan isn’t going to drop the subject. He might as well state his words again and get it over with.

“That’s around the time I realized I had a crush on you.” Phil repeats his previous statement in a slightly trembling voice. The words came out quietly, but they seem to resonate throughout the room. Dan is sat in stunned silence. His mouth is slightly agape and he’s rapidly blinking his eyes as his brain tries to process Phil’s confession.

Dan glances down at the picture again. They couldn’t be older than fourteen in the picture. Phil didn’t come out to him until they were sixteen. The gears in his head continue to whirl. Dan realizes he hasn’t responded yet. He looks back up at Phil.

“Really?” Dan croaks out in his small and broken voice. Phil nods his head. Dan bites his bottom lip and waits for Phil’s response.

“Yeah. It’s around this time that I started struggling with my sexuality.” Phil admits. The cold silence between them begins to warm.

“You never told me.” Dan whispers. Phil looks so small and vulnerable in this moment. Dan has a sudden urge to reach out and stroke Phil’s cheek. Instead, he wrings his hands tighter in his lap.

“It didn’t seem important at the time. I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words so I didn’t see a point in trying to explain them to you,” Phil confesses. Dan’s heart hurts a little. He was Phil’s best friend at the time. He could have been there for him or tried to be at least. He’s in disbelief that the man didn’t trust him enough to tell him his secret.

“I would have listened to you. Even if I didn’t fully understand it, I would have still listened to you.” Dan states. Phil slowly nods his head as Dan’s words reach him. He suspected that then and he knows that now. Dan decides to be bold. He places his hand on top of Phil’s. Phil’s stomach twists into knots and his breath catches quietly in his throat. He gives Dan a small smile.

“I know. I know that now.” Phil states sadly. It doesn’t matter anymore. They’re both older now and time has passed them by. They can’t go back and change the past. He and Dan sit in the comfortable silence for a few more minutes.

Dan stares at the wall behind Phil. His eyes skirt over their bookshelf, but they don’t focus on anything specific. He knows what’s on the shelf. Things they both enjoy and mementos of their life together. The colors blur together as tears begin to pool and Dan rapidly blinks his eyes. He inhales sharply as his lungs fight against the sudden tightness in his chest.

Phil focuses on the rug on the floor. It’s light grey and a bit plush. He’s more focused on the feelings swirling inside of him than the rug. Sadness is threatening to overtake him. There’s a hint of guilt trying to ebb its way inside his chest and he inhales deeply a few times through his nose before shaking his head.

He looks up at Dan and gives him a half smile. Dan gives him one in return. They both grab their waters and take a long drink before turning back to the album. The moment has passed and they’re moving on. Just like they always do.


	2. Chapter 2

[Art for Chapter 1](https://howellsankles.tumblr.com/post/153350670966/soooo-here-are-my-drawings-for-the-amazing-pbb-fic)

 

The next few pages show the ends of their secondary school years. Photos from dances, graduation, and random hangouts are spread out across the pages. They don’t really discuss anything significant. They simply make a comment here and there or wondering what happened to people they use to know.

Dan stops on a picture and stares longingly at it. Phil notices him intently fixating on the picture. He furrows his brow and opens his mouth to say something.

“Do you remember this night?” asks Dan, beating him to it. He slowly drags his finger down the front of the picture. Phil looks at the photo and remembrance floods his brain.

“Yes I do. Do you?” counters Phil, raising his brow in Dan’s direction.

“Of course. It was the best night of my life.” Dan states. His voice sounds far away and his eyes don’t look as if they’re registering anything in front of him.

_The bass is thumping. People are packed in everywhere. The drinks are flowing in the kitchen. The light scent of smoke lingers in the air. Everyone is in various states of inebriation._

_Dan had been psyching himself out all week about attending this party. He has gotten into the habit of avoiding situations that involve Phil and alcohol. Since coming to the realization that he has a huge crush on his best friend, Dan didn’t trust himself with alcohol in his system. So parties are definitely on his no way list. Not that he was an extremely social person to begin with._

_Phil, however, had been looking forward to the party the whole week. Between working at his summer job and starting university soon, he just wants to unwind. He begged Dan all week until the other boy agreed to attend. Phil had even cheered with joy. Maybe, with a little liquid courage, he will finally tell Dan how he feels about him._

_When they arrive, Dan makes a point to head straight for the alcohol. He pours Phil and him slightly, overly strong drinks. He’s hoping that the alcohol will calm his nerves. They stand on the edge of the living room; watching everyone dance. They are swaying slightly to the music. When their drinks empty, they head in search of refills._

_They’ve become giggly about halfway through the next drink. They’ve abandoned the living room and are standing in the kitchen when suddenly Phil gasps. The loud noise causes Dan to jump slightly. He turns towards his best friend and lets out a chuckle. Phil’s standing next to him with eyes and mouth wide open; flapping his unoccupied hand up and down rapidly._

_“Let’s take a picture for the book!” he shouts. Dan rolls his eyes, but agrees. Someone passes by and Phil stops them. He pulls his camera out of his back pocket and asks them to take their picture. After showing them how to work his camera, Phil gets into position next to Dan._

They’re standing in front of the door separating the kitchen from the living room. People blearily dance behind them. Dan’s on the right side and Phil’s on the left with their arms slung around each other’s shoulders. Each are holding a drink in their opposite hands.

Dan is looking straight at the camera. His skin is flushed and his hair is pushed back off his face. His eyes have a slightly glassy look to them. He’s obviously intoxicated. There is a wide, drunken smile on his lips.

Phil looks different. He’s not staring at the camera. His head is turned to the left and he’s looking directly at Dan. There is a soft, subtle smile on his face. His eyes are trained on Dan as if he’s the only person in the room. The look on his face could be described as love.

_The person snaps the picture and then Dan turns to look at Phil. He finds himself gazing directly into the man’s deep, blue eyes. All the air rush out of his lungs. Phil pulls his arm off Dan’s shoulder and settles his hand on Dan’s hip. Dan slides his arm off Phil’s shoulder and settles on his waist. Neither of them make a move to remove themselves from the others’ embrace._

 

_Phil’s handed his camera back, but he doesn’t notice. All he can see is Dan’s rich brown eyes. Dan watches as Phil’s eyes flicker between his eyes and his lips. He can feel his face heating up. Phil leans in and they both shut their eyes._

_The kiss is just a gentle peck on the lips. It is soft and filled with hesitation. Phil pulls back all too soon and searches Dan’s eyes for affirmation. Dan places his cup on the counter and takes Phil’s face with his hands. His kiss is slightly firmer than Phil’s. His body slowly presses firmly against Phil’s and Phil steps back slightly, but quickly recovers. He starts moving his lips slowly against Dan’s, but quickly catches up. Sparks fill the tiny bit of air between them._

_Dan slides his tongue across Phil’s lower lip. Phil opens his mouth to allow him access. Dan swears that the moment their tongues touch, his knees go weak. They move their lips in sync with each other for a few minutes until Dan pulls back. Both are panting slightly heavily. Phil can’t stop the grin from spreading across his face. Dan’s wearing a matching one._

_Phil sets his cup on the counter and grabs Dan’s hand. Dan furrows his brow with slight confusion, but allows himself to be pulled along. Phil leads him through the house until they find an empty bedroom. Phil pulls Dan inside and slams the door behind them._

_He pushes the man up against the door and kisses him with furry. Dan gladly reciprocates. Their lips move sloppily over each other while their hands roam under their t-shirts and across warm, smooth skin. Dan pushes off the door and tugs Phil’s shirt over his head. He walks them backwards until Phil falls onto the bed. He takes off his own shirt before climbing on top to straddle Phil._

_Phil moans as their crotches rub together. He flips them so that Dan’s pinned beneath him. He roughly grinds their crotches together and that elects a loud moan from Dan._

_Dan pulls frantically at Phil’s trousers. He wants them off. He wants to feel their naked skin pressed together in the most sinful way. Phil quickly undoes Dan’s trousers and slides them down his legs. He crawls off the bed to dispose of the clothes before disposing of his own._

_Phil climbs back onto the bed and straddles Dan. They both let out satisfying moans as their bare crotches come in contact with each other for the first time. Phil shifts back onto his knees, pulling their crotches away from one another. He gently grips Dan’s cock and starts stroking it._

_“God Phil. Hurry up.” Dan pleads through gritted teeth. Phil scrambles off the bed and picks up his jeans. He pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Right now, he’s grateful that he remembered to grab them before leaving earlier._

_“Did you plan this?” Dan asks with a laugh. Phil rolls his eyes and smiles at him._

_“No. Just hoping.” Phil explains. Dan nods; the lust that’s coursing through his body is preventing his brain from overthinking the situation. Phil settles between Dan’s wide spread legs. He coats his fingers with lube and slowly drags one around Dan’s hole. Dan lets out a small whine._

_Phil slowly slides his finger inside. He waits a moment before moving his finger. It isn’t long before Phil’s able to add another finger. Dan scrunches his nose in discomfort. Phil waits a moment before he starts scissoring his fingers. Dan’s letting out soft noises. Phil adds a third finger and brushes Dan’s prostate in the process. Dan lets out a louder moan and arches his back from the spark of pleasure._

_Dan’s begging Phil to hurry up. Phil’s cock is starting to ache so he removes his fingers and slides on the condom. He coats the outside in lube before lining himself up with Dan. Dan wraps his legs loosely around Phil’s waist. Phil looks up into Dan’s eyes._

_“Are you sure?” Phil whispers. Dan reaches up and caresses Phil’s cheek with his hand._

_“Yes,” Dan responds in an equally quiet, but heavy whisper. Phil attaches their lips as he slowly slides inside of Dan. It takes a while, but eventually he bottoms out. He pauses and waits for Dan to adjust. A few minutes later, Dan gives him the okay to move._

_Phil pulls his hips back until only the head of his cock is left inside and slowly eases them forward. Dan grips Phil’s shoulder blades and buries his head in the crook of his neck. Phil slowly quickens his pace. He angles his hips and searches for Dan’s prostate. Dan tightens his legs around Phil’s waist._

_Dan cries out when Phil finally hits his spot. Phil starts relentlessly fucking into his prostate. Dan’s just short of screaming. His noises are muffled due to his head being buried in Phil’s neck. He swears he could cum from Phil’s cock alone. Phil doesn’t give him a chance to find out. He reaches between them and grips Dan’s cock tightly. Phil’s stroking Dan in time with his with his thrusts. Dan’s clenching tight around Phil’s cock._

_“Close.” they both grunt out at the same time. In any other moment, they would laugh at their synchronicity.  Phil runs his thumb through Dan’s slit and it’s his undoing. Dan arches his back and paints both of their chests with his cum. Seeing Dan come undone beneath him causes Phil to orgasm. He slams roughly into Dan one final time and fills the condom._

_Phil works them through their orgasms before pulling out. Dan lays motionless on the bed. He’s thoroughly fucked out. Phil ties off the condom and drops it into a nearby waste basket. He finds tissues on top of the dresser and uses them to clean them both off._

_He manages to convince a tired Dan to put his boxers back on before they snuggle into the bed. Phil lays on his back and pulls Dan flush against his side. He stares up at the ceiling a moment before closing his eyes. He falls asleep with a smile on his face and Dan’s head on his chest._

“Why was that the best night of your life?” Phil asks Dan, pulling him out of his memory. He shakes his head and turns to face the other man.

“Huh?” he sputters. Phil sighs. Of course Dan wasn’t listening to him. Phil feels like it’s always one step forward, two steps back with Dan.  

“I asked why was that the best night of your life?” Phil reiterates to Dan. He expects Dan to avoid the question, but is surprised to get an actual answer.

“We had sex for the first time and we started dating the next day. If we hadn’t had sex, we wouldn’t have ended up together.” Dan explains with a far off look in his eyes. He’s only vaguely aware of his words. Usually, he isn’t as open with Phil about his thoughts or feelings. The trip down memory lane has made his head fuzzy. Phil bites his lower lip hard before he huffs.

Phil reminds himself that technically if they hadn’t have kissed, they wouldn’t have ended up together. That’s just nitpicking though. Truthfully, if they never had sex, then they would have never started dating. If they never started dating, then they wouldn’t have broken up. If they hadn’t broken up, then they wouldn’t be basically strangers. That’s all semantics though.

The mood between them has soured due to their previous conversation. Dan’s suddenly hyper aware of himself. He can feel the heat radiating off his skin. His stomach is doing somersaults and he’s fidgeting in his seat. Everything he said in the conversation hits him like a ton of bricks. His mind is screaming at him to run, flee, do something; anything to not be here any longer.

Phil looks around the room; completely oblivious of everything that’s happening next to him. The sun has already set. The overhead light illuminates the space in a harsh glow. Dan stands up abruptly. The photo album is about to clatter onto the floor. However, Phil saves it at the last minute. He shoots Dan an annoyed look. Dan doesn’t notice because he’s trying to appear as normal as possible. He stretches and yawns before walking out of the lounge.

Phil sighs and rolls his eyes. He waits a minute to see if Dan will return. When the other man doesn’t, he places the album on the coffee table and follows Dan’s path out of the room. The previously cooperative Dan is gone and the annoying and selfish Dan has taken his place. Phil stands in the doorway to the kitchen, crosses his arms, and leans against the doorframe while watching Dan move around the kitchen.

Dan opens the cupboard and pulls out a glass and pours himself a drink. The microwave beeps and Dan opens the door to remove his food.

A hot plate full of Chinese takeout emerges from the microwave. Phil bites the side of his cheek. He’s pretty sure that Dan ate all his takeaway already and that would make the contents of the plate Phil’s take away. Dan grabs a fork and turns around, jumping slightly at the sight of Phil.

“You scared me.” Dan states with a slight breathiness to his voice. Phil grimaces at him.

“Clearly.” Phil responds flatly. Dan stares awkwardly around the room, waiting for Phil to move.

“I’m hungry and tired. Can we finish the rest of the album later?” Dan asks. His voice has a slight whine to it. Phil internally sighs.

“Yeah. Sure.” he says. His words come out with a hit of a dismissive tone. Dan doesn’t hear the inflection and smiles at him.

“Great. Later.” Dan says happily before squeezing past him. Phil has stepped back into the hallway, but barely out of the doorframe. He watches him retreat down the hall and into his room. Once the door shuts, Phil lets out a lengthy sigh.

He crosses the kitchen and looks in the fridge. His suspicions is confirmed as his takeaway is missing from the fridge. Phil slams the fridge door harder than necessary. As his emotions swirl around inside of him, he forces air out between his clenched teeth. Their last topic of conversation has put him in a less than stellar mood and this is just pushing him towards the edge.

Phil’s tired of Dan’s selfish attitude. Dan doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Phil seriously doesn’t know why he puts up with him anymore. He makes toast and a glass of warm milk before making his way to his room. He slams his door when shutting it. Phil knows that he’s being a bit childish, but it helps with the way he’s feeling. At least for a little bit.

He opens his laptop and starts browsing while he eats his ‘dinner’. Phil’s really not hungry. He would rather go to sleep and put this bizarre day behind him. An hour later, he’s laid on his back, staring at the ceiling. It’s still pretty early by his standards. He figures the sooner he goes to sleep, the sooner this day is behind him.

Phil is racking his mind trying to figure out what got into Dan today. He’s surprised that he agreed to looking through the album in the first place. Dan dislikes spending time with Phil unless he’s forced to. The boy was actually quite pleasant towards him. It makes his heart ache with nostalgia.

He replays over the day before rolling onto his side and groaning into his pillow. He can’t believe that he confessed to having a crush on Dan when they were fourteen. _Why would I tell him something like that?_ Phil decides to blame it on them acting like they use to be. Exhaustion eventually overtakes him. He falls into a fitful and restless sleep.

Dan is up a lot later than Phil, as usual. He heard the slamming of Phil’s door and frowned to himself. He could guess that Phil did that on purpose. After all, Phil loves to do things on purpose to annoy Dan.

Phil loves making noise when he’s trying to film. He changes the channel when Dan’s watching television and he never offers Dan any food when he cooks. Dan’s fed up with Phil’s selfish attitude; it’s almost like Phil is trying to punish him. He tries to avoid spending time with him if he can because it’s the only way he knows to keep the peace.

That’s what makes the fact that Dan agreed to look through the album with him so surprising. Dan’s surprised at himself. He can’t say for sure why he agreed. Maybe it was for the chance to revisit his past or maybe it’s because he just wanted to remember the good times. The moments before everything went to shit.

Dan lays in bed and stares at his own ceiling. He replays the whole day and their conversations. He thinks back to the naive five-year-old who wished for Phil and him to be best friends forever. That poor kid has no idea what he’s in for. If he had a time machine, he would go back in time and warn the kid. Dan would tell him to stay away from Phil Lester because he’s only going to get his heart broken. That wouldn’t be fair to their past selves though.  

The memories that they made aren’t all bad. There are a few good ones: memories like playing video games all Saturday afternoon and sledding in the winter. However, the bad memories over power the good ones: the memories of screaming voices, broken dishes, tears, and broken hearts.

Dan sniffles. He wasn’t even aware that he had started crying. He rubs his face with his blanket and tries to push the day from his mind without much success. Phil’s confession begins to play in his mind.

_How could he not tell me that he thought he liked boys? Why did he hide it for so long? Why didn’t he trust me?_ These questions roll around Dan’s brain like waves in the ocean. Dan falls into a fitful sleep; dreaming of days gone past.

The sun was shining bright by the time that Phil awoke the next morning. He sits up in bed with a groan. His body is stiff and sore from tossing and turning all night. With a sleepy yawn and a stretch, he grabs his glasses off his side table. He slowly makes his way out of his room and shuffles down the hall.

He honestly feels more tired now than he did when he went to sleep last night. After pouring a bowl of cereal, he retreats back to his room. Phil doesn’t hear any movement coming from Dan’s room and assumes he’s still asleep.

Two hours later, Phil hears Dan open his door. He can hear him moving around the flat. He has no desire to venture outside of his room and deal with Dan.

An hour later, there’s a knock on Phil’s door. He places his laptop on his bed and slowly crosses the room. He opens to the door to find Dan on the other side. Dan’s wearing a plain, black shirt and a pair of lounge pants slung low on his hips.

“Can I help you?” Phil asks with a bit of a snarky attitude. He lightly bites his tongue after hearing his voice. Dan resists the urge to roll his eyes. He takes a deep breath, willing himself not to back down, before addressing Phil.

“Did you want to finish the photo album?” He asks. He’s not looking directly at Phil, but behind him, carding one of his hands through his hair.

Phil thinks for a moment. They’ve come so far already, they might as well. ‘ _What harm could come from finishing the album?’_ he thinks.

“Sure,” Phil answers. Dan finally looks at him and smiles. Phil weakly smiles back. Dan steps away from the door and allows Phil to exit his room. Phil closes the door behind him and follows Dan to the lounge.

Dan makes a stop in the kitchen to grab a few bottles of water. They settle onto the couch in the same positions that they had the day before.

Phil picks up the album and places it in his lap. Dan cracks open his water bottle and takes a sip as Phil flips through the pages to find where they left off. Phil’s first day of university picture is the next picture. This is followed by a few date pictures and then Dan’s first day of university.

They didn’t start university at the same time. Dan decided to take a gap year to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He joined Phil at the same university, though a year behind him, in hopes of earning a law degree. That didn’t really work out too well for him. He ended up having a breakdown and dropping out. Phil went on to graduate. Dan has always been a bit jealous that Phil was able to finish and Dan wasn’t. Not that Phil did it on purpose, but still.

They continue flipping through until they stop of a picture of them outside of their Manchester flat. The day was a warm and sunny one while they had spent the whole of it moving their possessions inside with the help of their families.

Their arms are wrapped around each other. Phil is smiling wide at the camera. Dan is bent over, mid laugh.

They look so happy and optimistic. Both had started YouTube channels nearly two years before; both of their channels were gaining in popularity. Phil was about to start his last year of university the next week. Dan had just dropped out and was going to do YouTube full time. Their futures seemed so bright and happy. It wouldn’t last, however.

“I miss that apartment.” Dan confesses quietly, almost if he’s speaking more to himself. Phil hums in agreement. He misses it too. He misses those versions of themselves. The happy-go-lucky boys who thought they would be together forever.

“So do I.” Phil confesses. Dan flashes him a sad smile. A silent conversation passes between them. They don’t need to say anything else. Manchester was a happy place for them, until it wasn’t.

Phil flips the page. There is one single picture left in the album. When Phil sees it, his eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. Dan notices the movement out of the corner of his eye. He turns his attention away from the wall he was staring at and back to Phil. He looks at him with confusion before looking down at the open photo album still in Phil’s lap.

“Oh,” he says quietly.


	3. Chapter 3

[Art for Chapter 1](https://howellsankles.tumblr.com/post/153350670966/soooo-here-are-my-drawings-for-the-amazing-pbb-fic)

 

Sometimes the most insignificant things can have the greatest impact. These are things that, in the moment, you don’t give a passing thought to. Only once they’ve happened do you realize their significance. **  
**

The picture is selfie of them. They’re squished together wearing matching smiles and laughter on their lips. The picture is so zoomed in on them that the background really isn’t visible. It might be a park structure or maybe a building in the left hand corner. A sliver of unfocused green on the right side indicates that there was at least some plant life behind them.

It’s was taken somewhere in Manchester, that much they do know. There’s nothing particularly special about this picture in the general sense. Specifically, this picture speaks a thousand words. Phil can see the story behind it very clearly. He can see everything the boys in the picture are about to go through like it’s a movie playing in his head.

Phil stares silently at the picture as if he’s a statue. Dan pulls the album completely into his lap and Phil doesn’t try to prevent him. He frantically flips through the rest of the pages of the book. That’s it. It’s the last picture in the book. The rest of the pages are blank.

“Why is that the last picture?” Dan asks, breaking the silence that had settled between them. He has a inkling, but his brain refuses to confirm it. Phil bites his lip.

“It’s the last picture we took together.” Phil answers. His voice is minuscule and barely above a whisper. He reluctantly looks up at Dan. Dan’s fringe has fallen in his face. His brow is knitted and frustration is written all over his face.

“We’ve taken pictures since then.” Dan counters after a beat. Phil feels himself nodding unintentionally. Dan’s right, but so very wrong at the same time. This photo is different. This photo is more important than the others that they’ve taken since it.

“You’re right.” Phil agrees. This statement does nothing to alleviate Dan’s confusion. He still flips through the last pages of the book. As if their recent pictures would magically appear.

“So why is this the last picture?” Dan asks again. Phil sighs. He doesn’t mean for it to be audible, but Dan can be really dense sometimes. Dan glares at Phil; not harshly, but with annoyance as if he’s speaking in riddles.

“It was the last picture we took as a couple.” Phil states in a murmur. Dan’s face untangles with realization. Phil’s words hang heavy in the tension filled air.

“Oh,” Dan says. Phil contorts his lips into a hard line. The air between them in thick. They’ve never really talked about that period in their lives, at least not properly. They haven’t even really mentioned it since it occurred. Phil takes a deep breath and swallows hard.

“Yeah. You had your meltdown a few weeks later. Remember?” Phil blurts out. The words rush out of his mouth before he has a chance to stop them. Dan stiffens. Phil sits frozen with his eyes locked on Dan.

The meltdown in question was different than the one Dan had over his schooling. Dan was freaking out over people thinking they were together and he was feeling the pressure to come out. He had gotten an over inflated ego about how his channel was taking off which didn’t help the situation. Dan had taken his frustrations out on Phil.

He made Phil’s life a living hell for months. Sometimes, late on a particularly bad night, Phil can still hear Dan screaming about how everything was Phil’s fault and how he didn’t deserve everything that was happening to him.

Phil would give anything to never go back to that time again. He’s not exactly thrilled with the way things are between them nowadays, but he will take this over crying himself to sleep every night and being afraid of stepping out of line. Now, they’re standing in front of the door they shut that period of their lives behind. Phil’s not too sure he wants to see what’s still lurking on the other side.

Dan’s brain is screaming for Phil to be wrong. He continues flipping through the album as if pictures are magically going appear. He knows that they’re not. Phil’s right, at least with the timeline of things. He had his meltdown and things went to shit. Phil watches Dan slowly breath out, rolls his shoulders, and relaxes his body a bit. He slowly lets out the breath he’s been holding.

“Not my fault.” Dan says with a nonchalant tone. Phil hasn’t even finished exhaling before he inhales sharply. He blinks his eyes and when they open, all he sees is red. His mind is starting to go into overdrive.

“Not your fault? What do you mean ‘not your fault’?” Phil hisses. His voice has a sharp edge to it. Dan looks over at Phil with bewilderment is written all over his face.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s not my fault that we broke up so it’s not my fault that this is the last picture in the book.” Dan says as he gestures to the picture. The book still lays open in his laps. Phil’s practically fuming.

“Oh really? I remember you breaking up with me. Hence, your fault.” Phil spits at him. Dan clenches his jaw.

“There you go again. Playing the victim,” Dan huffs out. Phil’s eyes open wide and his jaw drops to the floor.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil throws out. Dan rolls his eyes and sighs.

“Forget it.” Dan murmurs. He pushes the album onto the coffee table before he gets himself off the couch and walks out of the lounge. Phil watches his retreating figure until Dan’s door shuts with a slam.

Once the door shuts, Phil lets out a sigh. The turns to face the rest of their lounge, bringing his arms up, and resting them on his knees. His eyes land on the open album in front of him. The smiling versions of their past selves stare up at him in an almost mocking way. He lets out a small scream of frustration before slamming the album shut. Then, he drops his head into his waiting palms in defeat.

Phil sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. He tugs his head up and rests his chin on his his palm. He stares out the window, watching as darkness settles over the city and the room. His mind is a violent whirlpool; thoughts and memories assaulting him at every turn. Phil lets out a groan of irritation.  

He can’t let this go. He can’t forget it. He’s ignored everything for far too long. He wants answers. He deserves answers. Phil’s not going to let them go on like this any longer. He leaps off of the couch and marches down the hall like a man on a mission. It’s a few quick strides before he’s standing outside of Dan’s door. He raises his hand to knock, then stops himself.

A moment of doubt flashes through his mind. He starts to question if he can really confront Dan like he should have years ago. Phil shakes his head. He figures it’s now or never. Before he can talk himself out of it again, he knocks on Dan’s door.

Dan has laid on his bed for the better part of an hour. When he first got into his room, he paced around for a while. Once his anger had dispelled somewhat, he laid on his bed, staring at his ceiling. His mind tormented him. His thoughts were jagged, incomplete, and incoherent. He could feel his blood boiling under his skin. A knock at his door tears him out of his head.

He waits for a moment. He knows Phil is on the other side of the door. Dan hopes that if he doesn’t answer, then he will go away. His hope is dashed when Phil knocks again. Reluctantly, Dan gets off his bed and answers the door.

“What do you want?” Dan asks once he opens the door. Phil jumps, his hand frozen in mid knock. He drops his hand to his side and clears his throat.

“I don’t want to forget it.” Phil says. His voice quiet, meek, and unsure sounding. Dan tilts his head to the side and turns his ear slightly in Phil’s direction. He’s not sure if he heard Phil correctly.

“I’m sorry. What?” Dan asks. Phil takes a deep breath. His knees are slightly shaking, but he’s hoping his bit of confidence can hold out.  

“I said that I don’t want to forget it.” Phil tries again. His voice is louder and clearer this time. Dan can’t pretend he didn’t hear him this time.

“Well I do.” Dan states. He tries to shut the door, but Phil puts his arm out to stop him. Dan sighs and lets the door spring open. He steps back into his room and Phil follows.

“We need to talk about it.” Phil says. Dan’s stood near his windows with his arms crossed defensively across his chest. Phil’s still in front of the door, leaving Dan without an exit strategy.  

“Why?” Dan asks. He focuses his gaze on Phil. Phil bites his lips; thinking carefully about his words.

“We can’t go on like this anymore.” Phil starts. Dan furrows his brow and narrows his eyes at the man.

“Like what? We’re fine.” Dan says harshly. Phil rolls his eyes at the blatant irony of Dan’s statement.

“We are not fine. We haven’t been fine for a long time. You know that.” Phil spits back. Dan rolls his eyes.

“You’re crazy.” Dan states while pointing an accusing finger at Phil. Shock crosses Phil’s face.

“I’m not crazy. You’re crazy. We clearly need to talk about this.” Phil shoots back. He gestures his hands wildly in Dan’s direction. Dan lets out a forced sigh and marches across the room.

“No we don’t. Now drop it.” Dan spits as he uses his shoulder to shove past Phil. He marches down to the lounge. His heavy steps echo throughout the flat. Phil arrives behind him a moment later.

“Yes we do Dan.” Phil tries again. Dan’s fist are balled at his side. He’s stood at the opposite side of the lounge in an attempt to get far away from Phil.

“No we don’t! Why do you want to keep rehashing the past?” Dan yells. Phil’s taken aback for a moment. They haven’t screamed at each other in years. He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths. His eyes are cold and focused when he opens them once again.

“I need to know why.” Phil states. His voice is icy and eerily calm.

“Why what?” Dan asks. His voice his harsh and sounds like he’s spitting fire.

“Why did you do it? Why did you break up with me? Why did you treat me like shit?” Phil asks. Dan lets out an exasperated sigh. He drags his hand slowly over his face.

“Why do you do that?” Dan asks, not answering Phil’s questions.

“Do what?” Phil asks with confusion in his voice.

“Make yourself the victim.” Dan states. Phil narrows his eyes.

“I’m not playing the victim. I am the victim.” Phil states. Dan groans.

“No you’re not. You never were. If anyone is the victim here, it’s me.” Dan says. His voice raises in volume as he speaks, but he’s no longer yelling. Phil scoffs at his words.

“You? You’re not the victim Dan. You’re the reason I’ve gone through hell.” Phil states.

“There you go again. Making yourself out to be the victim!” Dan yells. He’s gesturing at Phil. Phil crosses his arms and raises his defenses.

“I am the victim.” Phil states flatly. Dan rolls his eyes, grabs his hair, and lets out a scream of frustration.

“Why did you keep me here then? Why did you make me stay if I make your life hell?” Dan asks.

“You’re making it sound like I’ve forced you to be here.” Phil retorts, ignoring the questions.

“You might as well have!” Dan screams. Phil’s slightly taken aback at Dan’s sudden change in volume, but he quickly gives into the anger boiling inside of him.

“I never forced you to stay Dan! You can get off of that soap box real quick!” Phil screams back.

“This is why I never wanted to talk about this! You’re not even listening to me!” Dan screams.

“You’re not listening to me!” Phil counters. Dan screams again in frustration. He takes a sharp, deep breath.

“This conversation is over.” Dan states firmly. He moves towards the door. Phil moves to block it.

“No. Not until we talk about this.” Phil counters. He tries to stop Dan from leaving.

“We’re done talking.” Dan states. He shoves Phil to the side before hustling down the hallway. He slams his door and flops onto his bed.

Dan grabs his pillow and buries his face in it. Tears pool in his eyes so he rubs his face in the pillow and sniffles a few times. The tears stream down his cheeks anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

[Art for this chapter](https://howellsankles.tumblr.com/post/153350672306/soooo-here-are-my-drawings-for-the-amazing-pbb-fic)

 

It’s Sunday morning. Sunlight streams through the windows. Dan would like nothing more than to hide in bed all day. His face is taut from crying himself to sleep. He rubs his face and winces as he moves his shoulder; it’s stiff from him clinging tightly to his pillow the night before.

Through the wall, Phil’s laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. His body is stiff from lying motionless for hours. He’s lying silently; listening for sounds of life in the flat. He’s unaware that Dan is doing the exact same thing.

Phil lays in bed as long as he can, his body and bladder screaming for comfort. He changes into different comfy clothes and heads to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Dan listens to Phil’s footsteps fade away towards the bathroom. He waits until he’s certain that Phil is in the lounge before he even considers coming out of his room.

Nearly an hour later, Dan enters the lounge. His hair curly and slightly damp from showering. His eyes wander around the room, the television is playing some reality program and Phil’s at the end of the couch. His knees are against his chest and his arms are wrapped loosely around his legs with his chin resting on top.

Dan can feel his heartstrings tug and clench at the sight. It’s all Dan’s fault that Phil’s upset and not his usual sunshine self. He just had to yell at the man and become defensive. Phil didn’t do anything wrong except ask for the truth. He asked for an explanation for all the tension they have been living with for years. Dan is completely aware that he’s messed up.

Phil watches Dan wander back out of the lounge out of the corner of his eye. Dan looks only slightly better than Phil, but not by much. The only difference between the two being that Dan has showered today and Phil hasn’t.

He heard Dan last night. He listened to the sobs that wracked the man’s body. It made Phil feel awful. He wanted nothing more than to go and cuddle Dan. He would have loved to assure him that everything will be alright. Phil can’t do that though. He hasn’t been able to do that in a long time.

Dan returns to the lounge with a bowl of cereal in his hand and sits down next to Phil. His quiet munching mingles with the voices coming from the television. They sit in the uncomfortable silence. Dan finishes his cereal and sets his empty bowl next to Phil’s on the coffee table.

The words of their fight ring in their ears. Both know that they have to discuss and apologize for the things they said. Phil doesn’t want them to do what they usually do after a fight. They usually give half hearted apologies and sweep everything under the rug.

Phil can’t keep doing that. Lately, he’s been imagining what it would be like to move out and move on with his life. He can’t go though. It’s the same reasons he convinced Dan to stay all those years ago. They work better as a team then they do as individuals. Also, there’s still a part of Phil that cares for Dan beyond their business partnership.

Resentment has been building inside of Dan for years now. Some days he wishes that he had never met Phil. Some days he wishes that he would have walked out all those years ago. Deep down, he knows that’s not true. He knows that Phil is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Together, they have gotten to do so many amazing things; things he would never have gotten to do or wanted to do without Phil by his side.

Phil grabs the remote and clicks off the television. The uncomfortable silence screams extremely loud. Dan focuses his gaze to his lap. He can’t bare to look at Phil. Phil shifts on the couch. He puts his left foot on the ground and tucks his right foot under his left leg. His hands are loosely placed in his lap.

Dan watches Phil shift out of the corner of his eye. He keeps his gaze down. He can see Phil watching him and biting on his lower lip. He can see the gears turning inside the man’s head. Dan knows that he’s going to say something. He is hoping against all hope that Phil doesn’t say anything, that they can just do what they always do: apologize and move on. It’s not a good system, but it’s theirs and it’s what they’ve been doing for years.

“We need to talk.” Phil says. His voice is small, but sure. Dan swallows hard. He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t even glance in Phil’s direction.

“Please no Phil.” Dan begs. His voice quivers slightly. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply through his nose. Phil bites his lip and shakes his head.

“No Dan. We need to talk about this. We can’t keep going on like this. We can’t keep pretending that everything is fine. Please Dan. I’m begging you. Please. Please can we talk?” Phil’s voice breaks slightly by the end. Dan inhales sharply in his nose.

A war has broken out in Dan’s brain. Part of him is screaming at him to do what he always does. He should mutter an apology he doesn’t really mean and then run away. The other part of his brain is telling him to listen to Phil. Phil’s right. They can’t go on like this any longer. They’re both miserable and people have been noticing. People have been asking them what’s wrong for years, but lately it’s been harder to hide their problems.

“You’re right.” Dan whispers. Phil’s eyes go wide and his mouth becomes slightly agape. He gasps. Everything slows down and his vision narrows solely on Dan.

“Wh-what?” Phil stutters out. Dan waits a beat.

“You’re right. We need to talk. We can’t keep doing this.” Dan states. His voice sounds a bit monotone. It’s not out of boredom, but out of defense. Phil shakes his head and composes himself. He bites the corner of his mouth. He doesn’t know what to think of Dan’s sudden change of heart or his current tone. He decides to just go with it and not think about it too much.

“Where do you want to start?” Phil asks. Dan pauses for a moment; debating whether they start with yesterday or all those years ago. Even though yesterday’s fight was about all those years ago, the incidences are completely different things.

“Maybe we should start with yesterday and work our way back.” Dan suggests. Phil nods his head. Neither of them say anything. Both are waiting for the other to break the silence.

“I would like to apologize for my anger yesterday. I realize that getting mad and yelling is not going to get us anywhere. I’m sorry.” Phil apologizes. Dan nods his head. He agrees. Yelling and screaming at each other has never gotten them anywhere. They should have learned that years ago, but they’re both a bit stubborn and dense. Plus, it’s hard to remember that when they’re so angry at each other.

“Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know that it won’t fix anything. We’ve been living with anger and hurt for so long. It’s hard to remember what it’s like without it.” Dan says. Phil nods.

“Thank you. Why did you freak out yesterday?” Phil asks. Dan thinks for a moment; trying to get his words in order.

“I felt attacked. You were yelling at me that everything was my fault. Everything was not my fault.” Dan says. His voice slightly wavers in the middle. He coughs painfully to displaces the lump forming in his throat.

“Yes it was, but not completely.” Phil says. Dan eyes goes slightly wide. He can feel the heat of anger starting to spread through his chest. He takes a few deep breaths and calms himself down.

“That was kind of backhanded there Phil,” Dan retorts. His words are teetering on the edge of heated. Phil takes a deep breath. Dan’s right. Those were not the words that he wanted to say. His mouth went quicker than his brain.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I meant that we are both to blame.” Phil explains. Dan nods his head.

“Yes we are.” Dan says. For the first time, he admits it out loud.

“Why did you break up with me?” Phil asks with hesitation. Dan pauses and bites his lips. This is the dreaded question.

“I was upset. I was stressed and I felt attacked. I felt like everyone was expecting me to be a certain way. I felt like I couldn’t be myself. So I freaked out. I ran away from you because you were part of what people expected me to be. It wasn’t you. You made me happy, but I couldn’t handle everything.” Dan explains. Phil falls silent. He’s not sure what to think, but he’s slightly relieved to know that it didn’t have anything to do with him personally. For years, Phil blamed himself for their demise.  

“You know that you don’t have to be anyone but yourself. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is what you think.” Phil says. Dan nods his head.

“I know that now. I wish I knew that then.” Dan whispers. Phil gives Dan a sad half smile. He feels for him. Phil can see how haunted Dan has become because of his past actions.

“Why do you feel like you’re the victim?” Dan asks before Phil has a chance to respond. Phil thinks for a moment.

“I guess it’s because you’re the one who dumped me. You’re the one who would scream at me and blame me for things. It was easier for me to blame you for everything. I never took responsibility for my part. For that I’m sorry. You were fighting me and I didn’t do anything to stop you. I let you go. I didn’t fight for you. I’m so sorry Dan.” Phil explains.

Tears start to form in his eyes. Dan puts his hand out and caresses Phil’s hand. Phil smiles slightly and sniffles. Dan smiles at him. They lapse into their first comfortable silence in months.

“Why did you ask me why I kept you here?” Phil asks. Dan bites his lip. He retracts his hand. Phil frowns, already missing Dan’s touch. Dan sighs.

“On the bad days, I feel trapped. I’m aware that I’m part of the reason that we are the way we are. I just feel trapped sometimes.” Dan explains. Phil can understand that. There has been more than one occasion that he has felt trapped to stay with Dan.

“I understand that. I would have never forced you to do anything you don’t want to. I asked you to stay because it was the best for our careers. Looking back on it, it was a selfish act. I figured that I would have you around in whatever capacity I could get. I made us miserable because of my selfishness. I just couldn’t bare to let you go.” Phil explains. His voice is a sad whisper. Dan breaths in and out hard. He always suspected that Phil had an alternative motive, but now it’s been confirmed. It’s actually somewhat bittersweet because Dan had hurt Phil so much that he used their careers in order to keep them in each others’ lives.

“I figured it was something like that. I’m grateful that you did though. We’ve done so much that we wouldn’t have if we let each other go. Thank you for that. I’m really appreciative of that.” Dan says. Phil smiles. He’s happy to hear that Dan doesn’t completely hate him for convincing him to stay.

Dan slides towards. He wraps his arms around Phil and envelopes him in a hug. He slightly surprised at his actions, but Phil looked like he needed a hug. If he were honest with himself, Dan really needed a hug as well. Phil stiffens with shock. His mind goes blank. This is the most contact he’s had with Dan in years.

Phil’s mind finally catches up with his reality. He moves his arms and wraps them around Dan. He hugs him tight. They shift slightly so that they’re resting their heads on each others shoulders. They sit there silently while relishing in each others’ presence. It’s like all the hurt is slipping away from them the longer that they hold each other.

“I’ve missed you.” Phil confesses. His voice is barely audible, but it’s right in Dan’s ear. Dan’s breath catches in his throat. He slowly exhales through his nose.

“I missed you too.” Dan professes. He can feel Phil smile against his shoulder. Phil pulls back so that he can look Dan in the face.

“I never stopped loving you; not completely at least. I guess some part of me will always love you.” Phil whispers. Tears suddenly spring into Dan’s eyes. A soft sob escapes his lips. Phil pulls him back into a hug. Thoughts flood Dan’s head. He has done nothing to deserve Phil’s continuous love. He figured that Phil would have thrown his feelings away years ago. He didn’t deserve Phil.

Phil slowly rubs Dan’s back. “Why are you crying?” Phil asks. Dan continues to sob. Phil continues to whisper reassuring things in his ear and rub his back until he calms down.

He feels lighter; as if he cried all the negative feelings out of his body. Dan sniffles quietly a few times before pulling back to look at Phil. Dan’s eyes are red and a few tears still linger on his cheeks. Phil moves and wipes the stray tears from Dan’s face. Dan smiles slightly at the feeling of Phil’s touch.

“I still love you. I’ve missed you and have been kicking myself for letting you go. I’m so sorry Phil. I’m so sorry.” Dan babbles out his apology. Phil places his hands on Dan’s shoulders and shushes him.

“Hey. Hey. Hey. Don’t be sorry Dan. You’ve already apologized. It’s okay. I forgive you.” Phil coos. Dan stops and stares at Phil.

“You forgive me? Even after how horrible I was? After everything I put you through? After everything we’ve lived with for years?” Dan asks. Phil nods his head and smiles.

“Yes Dan. You mean so much to me. I will always forgive you.” Phil explains. Dan wraps Phil in a tight hug.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Dan whispers with elation in Phil’s ear. He kisses his cheek. Phil’s face flushes pink. A small giggle slips past his lips. Dan pulls back and smiles at Phil.

They sit there and smile at each other. Phil leans back on the couch and pulls Dan down along with him. They shift so that they can comfortably cuddle. It feels exactly how it should be. It feels right.  

“Is this okay?” Phil whispers. Dan nods his head against Phil’s chest.

“This is perfect.” Dan whispers in response.

They lay on the couch and watch the sunset through the window. The room becomes gradually darker as the light slips away; yet, neither makes a move to turn on a light. They talk in hushed whispers about everything: everything that had hurt them over the years, all the thoughts they wanted to tell the other person, and everything that has happened in their lives since their last actual conversation.

They also discuss where they’re going from here. They’ve decided to take it slow and work on their friendship before attempting another relationship. They decide that they’re just going to keep their relationship between themselves. They aren’t going to let things like fans or their careers come between them.

Once darkness has overtaken the room, they sit up and stretch. Phil makes his way across the room and turns on the light. He goes to walk into the kitchen in search of food, but suddenly he stops short. Dan has a hold of his wrist and pulls him back towards himself. Phil stumbles into Dan’s warm torso. Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s waist and steadies him.

“Why did you stop me?” Phil asks, turning to face Dan.

“I want to take a picture.” Dan responds before grabbing his phone off of the coffee table. Phil tilts his head and looks at Dan with confusion.

“Why? We look like crap” Phil counters with a grimace. Dan smiles.

“I figured we should commemorate the day that we made up. Plus there is a lot of space left in the photo album.” Dan explains. Phil smiles and nods his head in agreement.

Dan opens his phone in front camera mode. Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s waist and snuggles against his chest. Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s waist and pulls him close. Phil catches sight of them on Dan’s phone. They’re both are disheveled and like they have had a long, tiring afternoon. With matching smiles, Dan snaps a picture. This picture represents so much. It represents them moving on from the past and heading towards new beginnings.


End file.
